(De)Motivation…

I have a pile of things I want to do… canvases to paint, models to build, books to read and so on, but they haven’t been touched. 

Depression sucks the life out of you at times, sapping all of your energy, so that it takes all of your effort and energy just to make it through the day, watching the clock, and wondering when it would be okay to go to bed.

Today has been one of these days. I was up reasonably early to get to the doctors and then the gym for a planning session, but once I got home again, all I could do was curl up on the bed and go back to sleep. 

We had some people round later to do some work on the house, as we are redecorating downstairs (there’s another whole can of worms/blog post…), and all I could do was stay upstairs out of the way. Depression meant I couldn’t handle interacting with others, so I hid. 

I’ve not been hard on myself though, as mental health can make you, as I realised a day of not doing much apart from reading comics and watching cartoons was what I needed to feel better and be able to tackle the rest of the week. Self-care is really important.

Tomorrow we start putting our new front room together, adding some real character to our home, and over the weekend, most of our new furniture should be put out. We are creating a waram and cosy room where we can read, watch TV, draw, whatever. It will make a huge difference to our life and our health.

But today, we rest…

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A meditation on fishing…

I spent most of yesterday at the pond I ‘found’ two years ago. It’s a lovely spot, surrounded by trees, and quite overgrown. The vegetation surrounding it means that when you’re in there,  you can’t be seen from the outside, making it a palace of solitude.

Managing to get up early yesterday (oversleeping is an issue at present), I got down to the supermarket and tackle shop to pick up supplies for the day. It was so nice to be by the water I the early light, and to fire up the stove to cook breakfast. Bacon and beetroot rolls with coffee cooked outside taste so good. 

Setting up my rod for float fishing, I cast out with bread crust to try and catch some fish off the surface. I might as well not bothered, as I fell asleep, and snoozed through the whole morning! 

Waking around midday, I sparked up the stove for another brew, and recast my rod. Bingo! I had caught a small Roach, no bigger than my hand, but it was my first fish of the year, and I smiled as I unhooked it and released it back into the water. I packed up shortly after, and headed home, planning to return later in the day.

Returning that evening, I switched spots, casting out towards the centre of the pond, where the fish were congregating. After a few casts, I caught another Roach, again, no bigger than my hand, but the hard work was paying off. Throughout the next few hours, I caught three more Roach, all around the same size. 

Whilst I was at the pond, separated from everyday life, I was completely in the moment, all that mattered was watching the water, looking at the spot where the bait was, and seeing the fish knock at it, trying to dislodge it from the hook. It’s the first time in a long while that I have been so at peace, and disconnected from everyday worries. All that mattered was being there, surrounded by nature, enveloped by greenery, with clear blue sky above.

Anger is an energy…

Today has been a difficult day in terms of emotions. This morning saw me in deep depression, which only sleep would cure, through to anger this evening. 

I think the anger rose from a feeling of frustration that I cannot solve all of the issues around me, and my temper exploded through kicking cabinets in the kitchen to aggressively making dinner, which I was still too angry to eat.

I had already planned to go fishing in the morning, so all of my gear was packed and ready. It seemed logical to remove myself from the home environment, and to reduce the stress that my anger and frustration was causing. I gathered my kit together, loaded it into the car, and headed for the canal. 

Nature has a calming effect on me, and it didn’t take long for the sights, sounds and smells of the natural environment to dissolve the feelings of anger, and to restore a sense of calm and peace. Firing up the stove for a coffee, and getting stuck into the meal I had made earlier made a world of difference. So did setting up my rods, retying one of them, in the hope that a fish would take the bait.

Calmer later, I headed for home, even though I planned to sleep outdoors. I have supplies for the morning, and plan to be out first thing tomorrow.

I’m calm now.

https://youtu.be/Vq7JSic1DtM