I’ve had a rough day today… not feeling too good about myself and my attitude, I spent the morning at college on my Counselling Diploma. This morning, we were working in groups presenting controversial issues to each other and letting the debates ensue. I dug myself further and further into my cave, withdrawing from the room and the ensuing debates.
I presented our groups issue (enforced euthanasia) with sheer bloody mindedness, stayed for the following group, made my excuses and left, knowing that my mood and mental state would not be conducive to learning that afternoon.
After a long lunch and a cuddle with my wife on my return home, I packed up my fishing rods and backpack and headed back to my favourite fishing spot of the summer, “my pond”. Just walking down the towpath in the late autumn sun made me feel better. The canal was high after heavy rain last week, and the trees were mostly bare, allowing more to be seen in the fields around the canal.
Arriving at the pond, the feelings of the morning faded, and a warm smile spread across my face. It is good to be back at one of my favourite places to relax. The pond seemed a little different, as it is not covered by so much foliage now, but it has lost none of its magic calming effect. Being in nature is such a tonic to me in times of distress and upset.
After fishing with my good friend Rolf at the end of last week down in Hampshire (I was after Pike, Rolf was after Carp), I was certain that there is a dirty great big Pike in the pond… I had seen it briefly over the Summer, and the lack of water birds on the pond confirmed it to me and my friends. Rolf has kindly set me up with Pike rigs and a bigger landing net, so Im determined to go after the Pike in the pond, alongside fishing for the larger Roach that are definitely in there too.
Here’s to an exciting Winter at a lovely spot, and catching some big fish. It makes me happy.
Urgh, what a week. My brain has been tripping me up over the last few days, leaving me in a depressed state and on occasion, close to tears.
Yes, I know it’s not my brain directly, as it is an organ which carries and processes chemical and electrical signals throughout the body, amongst other things. It’s how you choose to act on these impulses that causes the problem and issues. Of course, if you haven’t taken prescribed medication, supported a partner with serious mental health issues, written assignments, made music, drawn, written…
As I got so physically tired out by the end of Monday, after studying counselling all day, I was shattered and the week loomed ahead of me, full of meetings, conferences, projects and assignments. Something had to give, and it wasn’t going to be me. Been there, done that. I got my fresh supply of meds, turned off my alarm and cancelled what I could. I know that getting so exhausted was an alarm call warning me to back off and slow down. I took heed and stopped. The last time this happened, I didn’t heed the warning, and ended up being signed off work for three months. Mind you, this was one of the best things to happen to me, as it gave me time to take stock, focus on my needs and decide what I wanted from the future.
The first thing to go was my job. Working in education has been amazing, but it was costing me my mental health. That last spell was my third serious ‘episode’ of depression in 10 years working in education as a teacher, library assistant and media technician, not all at the same time, however!
So, I decided to really focus on being self-employed as an artist and designer, educating myself about mental health, restarting my counselling studies, making comics and music, and looking after me. Yes, there’s my trait of taking on too much, but I was self-aware, ready for the fallout and had support in place. Since January 2014, I have rebuilt our art and design business from the ground up; written, drawn and published three comics; released loads of music and played it live (performing live was a big scary thing to tackle); passed my Level 3 Counselling course; started networking for business and pleasure; started my Level 4 Counselling course and a ton more besides. Yes, I still try and do too much, but I’m happy and in charge of my life now. I’m closer to my wife, our children and my family; I walk our dog most days and play fetch with her; cycle when possible; enjoy reading more often; listen to way more music and podcasts and generally look after myself and the world I inhabit.
I’m proud of where I am now, and as I can read the warnings now and know what to do. Life might catch me out sometimes, but I can stop it from completely pulling the rug from under me.
I got a letter from the college I’ve been studying (and used to work at…) at today, offering me a place on the CPCAB Diploma in Therapeutic Counselling Level 4 course. I’m really happy about this, as this is another big step to my becoming a qualified counsellor.
I started studying counselling 2 years ago, when the head of the counselling faculty recommended that I took the Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies, as there wasn’t an assertiveness course at the college, and this would be a good start. This was a short ten-week course, and as I progressed through it, the modality we studied, person centred therapy, clicked with me and made such sense. It was so natural and intuitive, and felt like this was something I’d known for years. I also had a new hero, Carl Rogers, the father of person centred therapy.
By the end of the course, I’d made some really good friends, and more importantly, realised I could help others. This was reinforced by one of my friends telling me to go onto Level 3 and become a counsellor, as there aren’t that many male counsellors, especially those that work with children…
See, after we’d been on holiday with our grandson, who was 9 at the time, I started researching child development. Our grandson was behaving like a stereotypical moody teenager at the time, and I really struggled with this. After some online research, I found out that puberty starts early with lots of younger children, around 9. This must be really scary, as it’s bad enough when you’re older dealing with mental and physical changes, but imagine going through it at such an early age… Now, the reason I’d been recommended going on an assertiveness course at my college (I was working there at the time…), was that I had issues dealing with disruptive ‘bad’ behaviour from teenagers, and needed to learn better strategies to deal with this kind of behaviour. They are going through massive changes just like our grandson was.
So at the time I started Level 3, in September 2013, I had decided that my focus was to work with younger people, and help them through this time of amazing transformation from child to adult. I got three weeks in and had a complete breakdown, and was signed off work for three months, due to mental health issues. My plan to become a counsellor had stalled, though our lovely head of faculty told me it was fine, and that I could restart the course the following year. Phew.
Level 3 Counselling was amazing. I learnt so much, about myself, about others, how we are all different and all have issues. It was also empowering for me as I became the only male student in the group, and I really learnt how to talk to and understand women as equals, not that I’ve ever had an issue with this anyhow. The course also allowed me to be completely open and congruent with others, talking about issues which had held me back for years, viewpoints I held, and attitudes which caused me issues in the past. I felt so much better as a person in all aspects, and I finally put to bed the notion that I was stupid, as I had not done well academically in the past. Being told that my course portfolio had passed was a very proud moment, as I focussed in a way I hadn’t before, reading, checking facts, cross referencing and evidencing my work. The exam was okay, and we have to wait until April for the results, but I was really happy with how I applied myself to revising, and was confident with all of the answers I gave.
Level 4 is two years of hard work, and I’m already determined to focus really hard on my studies. We’ll start counselling others too, as we have to have at least 100 hours of counselling under our belts. It’s going to be hard, but I’m relishing the opportunity to push myself and challenge my preconceptions and attitudes. After this, I’ll be looking for a placement to start my counselling career, which will run alongside my creative one.
These are amazing times, and the best is yet to come. Thanks for reading.
Revising for a counselling exam (today…) meant little time for anything else other than our business last week, so I’ve been unwinding with drawing and reading comics. The knee is still a little problematic, so physical activities have been gentle, mostly walking our lovely German Shepherd, Fizz. BUT, I did get out to ride BMX for a short while while with our grandson at the end of the week.
I ride Flatland, while is kinda like gymnastics on a bike. Flatlanders are sometimes seen as the outcasts of BMX. I’m not very good at it, but it’s a wonderful mix of fun, meditation and skill. When I’m riding, I don’t tend to think about anything else, just zoning out and being in the moment. But I love it, it makes me happy. It’s amazing to me that I still ride when I’m 45… I thought I’d stop at 40 for some silly reason. I don’t want to quit. The knee wasn’t even an issue either, which was a nice bonus.
I’ve ridden BMX on and off since I was 12. I bought a cheap BMX again in 1997, and it’s my favourite form of cycling. I have a really nice bike now, worth silly money, but it fits me like a glove, and is part of me. Flatland has led to making some amazing friends, travelling around the UK for comps and jams (I even won a prize at one!), writing for websites (www.global-flat.com), and meeting fellow riders from all over the globe. When I go to comps and jams, it’s like being with family. It’s another part of me.
I could write so much about what Flatland has given me, in fact, I used to have another blog about it, but I’ll just go out for another ride. I’ll be the older dude in the car park, rolling in circles on a BMX with a big smile on my face.
JAN: A truly fresh start. I quit my job in Further Education after almost 10 years of stress, depression and break downs. Time to focus on myself and my family and what we want out of life. After a few years of our art and design business ticking over, it was time to make it work for us and make a living doing what I do best and love doing. It was time to think of others, as my wife’s mental health collapsed, for want of a better word, and I became her carer, as she had a complete mental breakdown and was bed-ridden for the first three months of the year…
I signed on for benefit for the first time in 20 years too, whilst I worked on getting our business off the ground and making sure we had some money coming in. I also made my first attempt at running, taking our German Shepherd, Fizz to the park and running laps.
FEB: I restarted my Level 3 Counselling course, ironically at the college that used to employ me. I’d started studying counselling the year before, as it was a way to work on my assertiveness. Something clicked whilst doing that short, ten week course, and I realised I could work as a counsellor alongside my art and design work. The theory side of person-centred counselling clicked in straight away, and I was able to start learning the practical side through role play. Level 3 allowed us to study concepts and theory in greater depth, develop our practical skills in role play and trio sessions, and work towards Level 4 and qualifying as a counsellor.
The course also enabled me to address a lot of deep-rooted psychological issues that have held me back for years. The sense of friendship, support and understanding the group have given me is invaluable, and I’ve been proud to be a part of it and to see how we’ve all grown through the year.
MAR: Induction day for our business. I went on a course to develop my business skills and to start writing a business plan to get funding for our art and design business. It was an interesting day, as I was surprised by the attitude of some folks on the course, given that we were all coming from unemployment into self-employment… People were talking about properties they owned that were generating income from renting them, widescreen TVs, latest iPhones, flash cars, all that kind of thing… Is there a bigger problem with people on income being dishonest, or am I missing a trick? We have struggled really badly with debt and affording to live this year, as we have been honest about our situation, and worked really hard on making our business a success. My wife has been earning small amounts of money through on-line surveys, as she is still not well enough to work, and there are small amounts coming in through the business, but life is tough.
We are fortunate that we have a home, food and heat, but we also have debt that needs resolving. We could lose our house. This is not a whine or call for sympathy, just a statement of fact. Things will improve, as the business is working and will work even better in the New Year. Working for ourselves is the best decision we have ever made, and will work out in time.
APR: Laid a laminate floor, decorated our lounge and did lots of dog walking. Lovely sunny times…
MAY: Our business, Morgan Gleave Art and Design, officially commenced trading, and I came off benefit! We launched a brand new website, made fliers, went networking, attended events and courses, got in our village paper, and probably did lots more that I’ve forgotten!
My wife seemed to be getting much better from her breakdown in January, but was still unable to work, due to anxiety, stress and depression. Small tasks at home were her limit, and she needed company in the evenings, which meant lots of time watching stuff on iPlayer, drawing and playing Scrabble.
A really busy, eventful month.
JUN: Started ‘Offline Experiment’ blog, as a reaction to too much time and attention given to social media. The intention was to talk about stuff I was doing ‘offline’, in the real world, actually physically interacting with other people and nature. Lots of dog walking and getting back on my road bike, determined to get fitter and be outside more.
Nature has always meant a lot to me. I love walking and riding in woodland, it’s a very special place for me, and where I feel at peace.
JUL: Our dog, Fizz, turned six. We made her a birthday ‘cake’ out of dog food with candles on it and sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to her. She liked the cake, not sure about the singing…
It was also my mother-in-law’s 80th birthday, for which we threw her a surprise party in Romford… She really didn’t have a clue, even after a year of planning! She called me on the morning of the party as I was returning from the hall to drop off party food! I said I wasn’t up to much, even though I was on a main road in Romford with heavy traffic… To cap it all, she managed to hospitalise herself with de-hydration, so my stay in Essex was a little longer than expected!
AUG: Trip to London for a ‘zine workshop at the BFI Southbank, which was brilliant fun and really enjoyable. It was a little odd being the oldest person in the group (even older than the workshop leader!), as the title of the workshop was ‘Teenage Kicks’, centred around films and TV we watched when we were teenagers. We all contributed a page of artwork to a zine which was produced at the BFI whilst we watched a very unusual film ‘Welcome to the Dollhouse’ (1995) that was really cool. A great day, even with a late drive back up to Leicestershire.
This trip also gave me an opportunity to see my lovely friends in Hampshire, who I stayed with the night before. I also caught my first ever fish, a 10lb 8oz Carp! This was also the point that I decided to get a mini-comic of my own, with my character, Patches McGinley, Feline Occult Investigator. I did everything at home, including printing, which I’m really proud of. I’ve been writing and drawing comics for as long as I can remember, but never self-published. I never felt my work was ‘worthy’. Stuff that! I’m now writing a MASSIVE comic about the history of hip hop, and published my second mini-comic at the end of November.
SEP: Birthday month! I turned 45 this year, and have reached the point in life where age doesn’t matter. Age is an irrelevant cage put on us by society, which can mean some people never achieve their true potential as they are too scared. Rubbish. You can do what you want when you want. I love comics, cartoons, toys, BMX, and have quite a childlike outlook on life. You have to enjoy life and remember that every day is amazing.
During this month I also made ambient harmonica music, submitted my illo for ‘Teenage Kicks 2’, which was properly printed in full colour. I rediscovered my love of jazz and funk, started meditating again and found my mojo!
OCT: Business orientated, with LOTS of networking and events. Pitched on a lot of work, (some of which we got!) cycled A LOT, went for regular walks with Fizz, made harmonica hip hop, performed my ukulele songs live, did a comics workshop and started running!
There were lots of changes for the business, and lots of promotion too, which is working really well for us. I also went on a social media for business course which was excellent, and really rewarding. Oh, and our fourth grandchild was born!
NOV: Renewed efforts with ‘Offline Experiment’, as it seems the right place to talk about life. I started Trail Running, as road running is not good for my knees. Found my sport! November also saw me take on the ‘mini-comic challenge’, which was to draw at least 12 pages of comics by the end of the month. I easily managed this, and now have copies of my Carl Rogers mini-comic printed out and flying around the world!
It was a difficult month, as my wife had a very bad relapse of depression, and I had to take her to a ‘crisis team’ who specialise in psychiatric diagnosis and care. Different medication and counselling are working well now, and life is much easier.
There’s been lots of illo and design work coming in, and lots of travelling. London, Hampshire and Essex were visited before the end of the year. I went to the British Museum for the first time ever and travelled first class!
DEC: I drove so many miles in this last month, I thought I’d wear the car tyres out in record time! A full day of networking in London, including an hour of speed networking at the end… I was shattered, but proud. Essex and back twice, Hampshire, and all around Leicestershire, a nice mix of business and pleasure. And here we are at the end of the year… What a doozy!
Thanks for reading! See you in 2015!
PS: If you would to see or hear any of the projects I created this year, please get in touch!
I’ve not run at all this week, due to a lot of pain in my right knee. Even with a support bandage and a gentler pace, it still hurts – most of the time…
I’m not sure how much this has to do with it, but when I was 19, I slammed really badly on my skateboard. (What is it about ‘extreme’ sports and joint injuries?) I dropped about 10 feet straight down onto my knees and it bloody hurt. I’ve still skated and ridden bikes since, but it’s running that really caused me pain. Impact, I guess.
I chose to run on mud and grass as I knew it would be better for my joints, and I already had the shoes for it. t’s frustrating as I managed to build up my pace and distance last week, and was really proud of myself. Plus, I’m running because I really enjoy it, which has caught me slightly by surprise. I’ve been recommended a slower pace (I’m not that fast anyway, being a newbie…) and new shoes (I wish… maybe Santa’s feeling kind?), as my current ones are about out…
Any tips and hints on recovery and strength building would be much appreciated, as I really don’t want to stop trail running now I’m hooked. And I want to race next year…
Two posts in 24 hours? What’s going on? I’ve been running, that’s what…
I went out an did my first proper trail run this afternoon. I didn’t break any records or run any further or faster than I have so far, but there was hills, trees and mud, plenty of it. It’s a really nice way to finish off my first proper week of running, getting out in the mud and leaves and putting in some effort.
I’m lucky to have canal fields (ridge and furrow), woodland and (small) hills on my doorstep. The five minute walk there is a good warm up and gets my legs moving, and the ridge and furrow is a lovely start to the run. They undulate up and down with two foot drops and rises, getting you used to different terrain and levels. Once you get over the canal bridge, you’re into the woods, which is where the fun really begins.
The woods were planted in 2000, so are pretty well established, but not dense enough to get lost in. Trees are planted in regular rows with a few clear (muddy) paths between them. I’ve cycled through them before, the twisting singletrack is great fun on two wheels. Guess what? It’s great fun on to feet too. You go uphill on a clear path on the way out, trees lining each side. It’s not a steep incline, but the mud makes it fun. A quick breather (!) for a selfie at the top, then nip across the grass, blast through a big puddle, and you’re weaving back down the slope. This side is more fun, as you have to pick through the trees at the start, then follow the path as it snakes down through the woods. Great fun blasting through mud and over roots. It’s made realise how much I love my shoes and running ‘wild’. I definitely made the right choice picking trail running.
So, I got out breath, didn’t run for that long and got muddy feet. But I loved it, and plan on being back next week to do it all over again, but faster. Get muddy!
I’m not incredibly fit, but try to eat sensibly, not drink too much booze, quit smoking ages ago and love being outdoors. I cycle sometimes, and love all forms of cycling. I plan on skateboarding again in the new year too. I do tend to go for more unconventional sports, so running off-road, in mud, wind and rain seems like a logical choice. Plus it keeps me away from computer screens…
Over the last year, I’ve had a couple of false starts with running. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. When I see someone else running I think ‘I want to do that.’ I’ve never been able to stick at a routine with running until now. Going out early in the cold, damp and dark suits me. It gets me up and out and away from the lure of the web. I’m a week in and am hooked. Being in Essex and having a day of networking and exhibitions ahead of me didn’t stop me. I just got up, slung my kit on and got out there.
It’s a lovely feeling being outside early when no-one else is about. Just you and the elements. I love the fact I have to sneak through a gap in the hedge to get into my local park as the gates aren’t open at six in the morning. A little act of rebellion and anarchy. I did jump a bit when a dog burst out of the woods, another early riser out and about.
I’m writing about running here, as it’s a wonderful way to use time offline. Great for thinking, clearing your head, planning your day, tuning in, dropping off, whatever suits… I love the way your brain just zones out and focuses purely on running after a while. So I’m not going to enter the Olympics or win any medals, but I love the feeling running trails give you. I might race next year, but to enjoy myself, that’s why I’m doing it. To enjoy myself and stay offline. See you on the trails…
Since last week’s post, a lot has changed. I’m socialising a lot more through my business and music, face-to-face as opposed to on-line. This is good on many levels.
I’ve also been reading a lot more (on-line, admittedly) about how people deal with issues like social injustice and mental health. It’s led me to think a lot about how creativity can help with depression and anxiety, and how art can be used as a tool to inform and educate others. How it can support those living with these kind of difficulties, and allow them to express those feelings that depression, anxiety and other mental health problems make the feel and think.
I’m making a slight shift on here, to also talk about how mental health affects people. It’s a really important issue that needs to be talked about more openly, and the core of this can be through getting out and interacting with others. This is what this site is all about. Real interaction out in the real world. Talking about and sharing thoughts, concerns and problems really helps. It can remove the sense of isolation that depression can bring.
Go for a walk. Go to music events. Go to exhibitions and museums. See what your community has to offer. Use the web, but as a tool to support you, not dominate you.